Say You Remember

They all say I’m an unfortunate girl
But you keep me a part of your world
Do you remember, last December when we found our start?
I didn’t mind the smell of the grind
You didn’t mind that I lost my mind when I saw you
I loved you before I was even in your heart

No drugs no shrugs no falling
White sky black when night came calling
Watch me walk up the drive with your blunt knives
Sitting in the front seat, Oldsmobile

Tears on my bed, free of my head
Poetry up until 3AM
Tears on my bed, free of my head
Shut my eyes forget you, better off dead

You found me at the séance, my chaos, trying to play it off
Chasing me all over town
Now I know he’s falling, crawling
Wonder if you’re falling down before I’ve come around
Because I want you, haunt you, someday I’ll have you to flaunt you
You’re my little conquest, contest, singin’ all through August
Got you to say “I’m down,”
You remember.

Goodbyes were nearly shouted
They all laughed, I pouted
But you called me, walled me
Gave in to my perfect face
You never minded my attitude, no gratitude
In fact you said you were in love with me, not above me
Sweet blue eyes glued to my control

Likes to watch me cross him, lost him, drunk love mama
Have him in my grasp now, calling me, hun’ love
Babe, and every other name

Fear of my head, fear of my thread
What a heroic endeavour, oh so clever
I’m in your head, thoughts in your bed
Saying to sleep well, demons for friend

Oh, sweetness, you remember

Who is K?

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, so even though I’ve never made myself into being much of an artist, I decided tonight I’d get what I wanted to say out in a slightly different way. So lovely readers, I give you K.Character K

K & S- A Sneak Peak into the story (More to be posted soon!)

K

He broke our locked gaze. “I’ve never really known why,” he spoke after a pause.

“Known what?”

“Why I hate you so much. You’re beautiful and bubbly and lovely and I hate you.”

Smiling to myself, I traced my fingers across his jawline, lifting his chin back up so our two shades of blue locked once more.

“You hate me because you can never have me.”

S let out a small sigh of a giggle, “we both know that isn’t true.”

I moved in closer to him. S had such a bright face. Bright sky eyes framed with unkempt silken chocolate and a white smile genuine and harsh all at once.

“Isn’t it though? I loved you with every existing inch of my heart, and you brushed me away. Not because you didn’t love me too, because you can’t stand the sight of me. I am free and cunning and attractive and spunky and so full of life. I am everything you’re not.” I leaned in, brushed my lips against his ear and felt the chocolate tickle my cheek. I whispered: “here I am standing, you can look at me and want me but you can never touch me.”

S pulled back and his eyes flashed with stripes of anger. I half expected him to keel over in tears, half expected him to slap me. He did neither. I felt his arms wrap around my little waist, and suddenly his lips were on mine. It was unexpected and inappropriate and everything I ever wanted. I felt myself give, love flowing out of my mouth and fingertips and sparkling all over his body. I felt S give nothing. He really did hate me.

Tears of rage filled my eyes. I wanted to shove him off, to punch him, scream for him never to speak to me again. But I couldn’t. I needed the moment. His lips and hands on my waist and pulsing breath wrote poetry to me, answering every question I’d ever had about what having S would be like. The experience filled my heart and drained my head, and there was little oxygen that high up to where I couldn’t breath.

Then S’s hand went up to the nape of my neck, tangling his fingers in my hair. Just like how Hayden kissed me. The black-haired image gave me strength, the anchor to pull me out of the high that had taken me over. Thrusting my hands against S’s chest, I ripped myself away from him. S turned away before I could catch his expression.

“How dare you.” My voice was gray and full of thunder.

S shrugged. “I wasn’t stopping you from leaving, you’re the one who kept it going.”

I tried to shake the clouds from my head, but I was so turned around. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“I wanted to know what it was like.”

The fury coursing through my veins began to quell. S was the same as I. We wanted each other just as much as we were repulsed by each other.

He left without another word.

 

S

I left the dance studio without really realizing it. The situation that had unfolded in there had boggled me into a daze. I had touched K without really feeling her at all. I knew what she had meant now.

The tingle of her lips remained on my skin, despite the fact that I had felt no sparks. It had been such a strange sensation, as though I was giving and she was not.

I turned the corner to where the studio lockers lay, their meeting forming the mini hallway where I could take refuge from everything but my swirling thoughts. I had kissed K. And more importantly, K had kissed me back, if only for a short time. I hated her and I loved her and I wished that she didn’t exist. And tomorrow I be forced to dance with her.

Shit. How could I possibly dance with her? My legs would shake and her hands would quiver and every single person in that auditorium would know what had happened. The electricity would be too strong. I could always call in sick, but that would give her the automatic victory. That would let her win.

I laughed to myself. All of that and I was still concerned with who “won.”  Hadn’t she already won? Hadn’t I given her the victory she craved when I kissed her? Maybe not. Maybe if I pretended that I never happened and if I go back to lying to my friends and sneering at her in the hallways she wouldn’t have truly won. I could still win if she thought she had lost.

Running my fingers through my hair, I pushed my head back against the wall at my internal struggle. I needed to go home.

 

K

 

I stopped my car next to the gym owner’s office, since I could see the team having a meeting before they were released. Hayden strolled out of the office, worn out and sweaty as usual. He gave me his usual happy-go-lucky smile and wave, I guess he couldn’t see the estranged terror etched into my face through the windshield.

“Hello, love,” he said as he climbed into the passenger seat.

“Hi.” Still nothing out of the ordinary, couldn’t he smell the cologne on me?

“How did your dance rehearsal go?”

“Fine,” I evaded giving more details with “how was your lacrosse practice?”

“My knee is acting up again.”

“I’m sorry.” My voice cracked, I choked on the words. Hayden noticed this time. His arm wrapped around mine, and he kissed the top of my head. His voice lowered several pitches and he kept his head bent to mine, asking me what was wrong. My heart tore in half. I loved him so much, so which was worse? I wanted to hide the truth, to protect him from the pain. He didn’t deserve to hear the awful thing I had done. But could I really leave him in the dark? After all the honesty, all the tears and smiles, all of the violet nights and periwinkle days, and the walks on the beach and the fancy restaurants? Could I let him live a lie?

“S kissed me,” I blurted out before my mind could debate any further. Hayden froze.

“What?”

“We were practicing and we started talking and things got bad, we were both angry and then he just kissed me. And for a moment I kissed him back.” He looked so hurt. “But I love you. I love you and not him. He’s mean and cocky and awful and terrible and I hate him.”

“Did you… Feel anything when he kissed you?”

It felt good to be able to be blatantly honest: “From him? No.”

S was parked next to us, unnoticed until that moment. I didn’t know how much he had heard through our opened windows, but it was enough to make him duck his head and drive off into the evening.

Kingdom

I have my Kingdom

I have my moment

I’m rising to the top.

And the sensation

Within my body

Threatens not to stop.

And now you’ve always looked at me

But you never have seen me

You’ve always looked at me

But ignored my glowing embers…

So shut up, it’s mine

My caste glows

Your fire disappears

I was invisible, now you’re filled with fear

My reign begun

And this is your end, my love

Watch me rise

I am the spark.

I’ve dreamed for years,

But they were never mine.

And my fingers rip through your conscious,

I’m slipping ’round your mind.

And your bright face hurt my eyes

But didn’t leave me blind

Your bright face hurt my eyes

But you are dimming out

My plans have been threaded

I’m sewing with a needle

And the sharpest point aimed

At the boy who thinks he’s better than me.

So shut up and run

Your spirit killed

Tell me, can you hear

My voice before you start to run out of air?

Your reign undone

This is my start, my love

I trampled your spark.

The Scarlet Song

I don’t know where my mind goes

I’m scared I’ve lost what I love the most

I’ve been alone for far too long

I’m unique in my fighting song.

I feel this pulling urge now and then,

Stay awake trying to ignite him.

I want to feel harrowing love

I want burn you like a black dove.

Let the fallen angel take a sip.

It’s wrong now

They’re ending our song now,

The wavelengths of turmoil

And a twisting tongue.

You’ve left my world

So I stand on your turf

I’m tired of changes

And my renegade heart…

I thought you were mine.

Don’t look at me once you’ve uttered the word

I’ll make sure that statement’s unheard.

Touch my collarbone with your lips

So mine don’t feel your last kiss,

I’ve blushed for you too many times.

I can’t pretend that I would have known

I never meant to fall in love again,

Am I crying once again?

I know now

You’re not what I need now

But without you I don’t know how

To live on the beach.

Got to leave the ocean

Got to get to ocean blue

And leave with the sun.

Thoughts At Half Past Midnight (My Sweet Summer)

And the girl of progression

Flicks her blonde mass

Adjusts her sweater

Winks at me

While she takes the hand

Of the Peacemaker

Who smiles at me

Knitted cap pulled over his devil ears

Nods to Queen A

Gives her the cue to banish me

With wind and shards of freezing glass

To the solitary silence

Of the cold blue walls in my room.

So I lie here

At half past midnight

Summer brings me salvation

I may have been alone

But alone wasn’t misery

Misery thrives in company.

I was never meant for winter

It beckons to me

Icy branches bow to me

Snow forms a path for me

Leading to cloudy skies

But it is only a glittering lie.

Dirt trails swirled with

Newly shorn meadows

And the hot sun and cool breezes

I belong in the mixture

Stars with energy and jubilation

Cold is just too complacent

We all know I can’t be complacent.

I need a forest

With a crafted plastic ring on my hand

And I need the beach.

But to get there

I cannot look to the past

It is 32 degrees Fahrenheit there now

I can, however

Put pressure on the glass

Cold makes things brittle

And if you push with me

The glass will break

And melt on golden warmed sand.

Apathetic

Time slips in through cracked doors

Slithers across the floorboards

Plucks up what it needs

And leaves no trace.

I miss earlier years

When time was loud

Announcing its arrival

Clanged through

And rattled its departure .

Then I was aware

I crafted my own life

Gave time what I wanted

And kept the rest for myself.

It’s like when Eve stole that apple

Suddenly aware of her nakedness

I was suddenly aware

Of my selfishness

Which I shut off

And became complacent

With what I was given

Never asking for more

Always accepting less.

I no longer care

What is selfless and what is not

I want more

I’m sick of apathy

I will not accept less.