I never understood the resentment
Between past lovers
Until I felt it myself.
It doesn’t matter how many “great times” we had
Because memories can’t dissolve the present.
Memories don’t change the fact
That I stared at my hip bones in the mirror for an hour
Because I lost 7 pounds
When the loss made me too sick to eat
The fact the I screamed
And I screamed
I lay on my carpet screaming
When you pulled out of my driveway for the last time
And I will never forget
The split second where I lost the will to live.
I don’t care about the memories
Memories are in the past
Your betrayal is in the present.
The “good times” don’t matter
Because it’s 11:56 PM
3 and a half weeks after you left
And I’m up writing poems to clear my head
Because I can’t stand one more night falling asleep furious
I can’t stand waking up one more morning
Believing it was all a bad dream
And that you’re asleep on the other side of the bed.
The hardest part was my trust
I trusted you when you said no matter how dark it all felt
You wouldn’t leave me
At least you kept one promise;
“I won’t leave you when you need me most.”
And I’m ok
But after a year of having someone to hold
Having someone make me their first priority
Someone that kissed every scar
I am suddenly left unplugged.
There is a wire
Whether from my head or my heart I’m not sure
But it is dangling
And crackling with electricity.
I don’t need you to plug into
I really don’t
But Jesus Christ,
I need something.