You Were The First To Leave & The Last To Know

You left me reeling

Like a cut-off sentence meant for deaf ears

Spinning
Alone
And there was hatred
In the purest form of the word
I needed to keep you bruised in my mind
Keep you like that until the scars faded
But I still found forgiveness
I found forgiveness
In the mattresses spread on the floor
I lay upon laughing at 3AM
With friends and their 20-year-old cousins
I found it in the late night drives
And highway routes
Speeding until alone could mean alive
I found forgiveness
In the kiss of someone else
In lips that weren’t yours
Kissed me in Dewitt basements
I found forgiveness
In the silk I’m wearing to prom
In the fact that I can go alone or with another
And that you’re not controlling my decisions anymore
And I found forgiveness
When I stopped looking for confidence in the same place I lost it
In you
Because as much as you tried you failed to keep my self-esteem alive
I thought it was me but it was always you
I found forgiveness
When I stopped looking for love in anyone but myself
When I could eat a full meal and look in the mirror and not hate the way my eyes crinkled when I smiled
When my flaws became my assets again
And that’s not to blame you
But I’m done blaming myself
I found forgiveness in the holes you left in me
Because I am still whole without you
Perhaps more
And the nice thing about forgiveness
Is it doesn’t need to be spoken for its effects to be heard
But I guess what I wanted with this poem–
I just want you to know.
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