Drain

I have so much to accomplish

But there’s someone in me screaming

STOP AND WRITE

RIGHT NOW

You either save yourself or remain unsaved, I guess

And there’s so much fire in my blood

It’s clogging the tips of my fingers

And I type and backspace because I just won’t make sense

I need to drain the pressure before it drains me

Drain, there’s so much I need to drain

I need to empty out the cavity of my mind

That used to hold love

That filled up with puss after my first heartbreak

I need to dispose of the liquid in my legs

Because I’m so used to floating

I can’t run when I’m floating

And I need to run to drain the hatefulness,

No matter what I become I will not become hateful

And I need to unblock my senses

I don’t know why I can’t feel anymore

But I think I blocked myself

When every last ounce of my free time was sucked up by my Junior year

Something needs to drain.

K & S- A Sneak Peak into the story (More to be posted soon!)

K

He broke our locked gaze. “I’ve never really known why,” he spoke after a pause.

“Known what?”

“Why I hate you so much. You’re beautiful and bubbly and lovely and I hate you.”

Smiling to myself, I traced my fingers across his jawline, lifting his chin back up so our two shades of blue locked once more.

“You hate me because you can never have me.”

S let out a small sigh of a giggle, “we both know that isn’t true.”

I moved in closer to him. S had such a bright face. Bright sky eyes framed with unkempt silken chocolate and a white smile genuine and harsh all at once.

“Isn’t it though? I loved you with every existing inch of my heart, and you brushed me away. Not because you didn’t love me too, because you can’t stand the sight of me. I am free and cunning and attractive and spunky and so full of life. I am everything you’re not.” I leaned in, brushed my lips against his ear and felt the chocolate tickle my cheek. I whispered: “here I am standing, you can look at me and want me but you can never touch me.”

S pulled back and his eyes flashed with stripes of anger. I half expected him to keel over in tears, half expected him to slap me. He did neither. I felt his arms wrap around my little waist, and suddenly his lips were on mine. It was unexpected and inappropriate and everything I ever wanted. I felt myself give, love flowing out of my mouth and fingertips and sparkling all over his body. I felt S give nothing. He really did hate me.

Tears of rage filled my eyes. I wanted to shove him off, to punch him, scream for him never to speak to me again. But I couldn’t. I needed the moment. His lips and hands on my waist and pulsing breath wrote poetry to me, answering every question I’d ever had about what having S would be like. The experience filled my heart and drained my head, and there was little oxygen that high up to where I couldn’t breath.

Then S’s hand went up to the nape of my neck, tangling his fingers in my hair. Just like how Hayden kissed me. The black-haired image gave me strength, the anchor to pull me out of the high that had taken me over. Thrusting my hands against S’s chest, I ripped myself away from him. S turned away before I could catch his expression.

“How dare you.” My voice was gray and full of thunder.

S shrugged. “I wasn’t stopping you from leaving, you’re the one who kept it going.”

I tried to shake the clouds from my head, but I was so turned around. “Why the hell did you do that?”

“I wanted to know what it was like.”

The fury coursing through my veins began to quell. S was the same as I. We wanted each other just as much as we were repulsed by each other.

He left without another word.

 

S

I left the dance studio without really realizing it. The situation that had unfolded in there had boggled me into a daze. I had touched K without really feeling her at all. I knew what she had meant now.

The tingle of her lips remained on my skin, despite the fact that I had felt no sparks. It had been such a strange sensation, as though I was giving and she was not.

I turned the corner to where the studio lockers lay, their meeting forming the mini hallway where I could take refuge from everything but my swirling thoughts. I had kissed K. And more importantly, K had kissed me back, if only for a short time. I hated her and I loved her and I wished that she didn’t exist. And tomorrow I be forced to dance with her.

Shit. How could I possibly dance with her? My legs would shake and her hands would quiver and every single person in that auditorium would know what had happened. The electricity would be too strong. I could always call in sick, but that would give her the automatic victory. That would let her win.

I laughed to myself. All of that and I was still concerned with who “won.”  Hadn’t she already won? Hadn’t I given her the victory she craved when I kissed her? Maybe not. Maybe if I pretended that I never happened and if I go back to lying to my friends and sneering at her in the hallways she wouldn’t have truly won. I could still win if she thought she had lost.

Running my fingers through my hair, I pushed my head back against the wall at my internal struggle. I needed to go home.

 

K

 

I stopped my car next to the gym owner’s office, since I could see the team having a meeting before they were released. Hayden strolled out of the office, worn out and sweaty as usual. He gave me his usual happy-go-lucky smile and wave, I guess he couldn’t see the estranged terror etched into my face through the windshield.

“Hello, love,” he said as he climbed into the passenger seat.

“Hi.” Still nothing out of the ordinary, couldn’t he smell the cologne on me?

“How did your dance rehearsal go?”

“Fine,” I evaded giving more details with “how was your lacrosse practice?”

“My knee is acting up again.”

“I’m sorry.” My voice cracked, I choked on the words. Hayden noticed this time. His arm wrapped around mine, and he kissed the top of my head. His voice lowered several pitches and he kept his head bent to mine, asking me what was wrong. My heart tore in half. I loved him so much, so which was worse? I wanted to hide the truth, to protect him from the pain. He didn’t deserve to hear the awful thing I had done. But could I really leave him in the dark? After all the honesty, all the tears and smiles, all of the violet nights and periwinkle days, and the walks on the beach and the fancy restaurants? Could I let him live a lie?

“S kissed me,” I blurted out before my mind could debate any further. Hayden froze.

“What?”

“We were practicing and we started talking and things got bad, we were both angry and then he just kissed me. And for a moment I kissed him back.” He looked so hurt. “But I love you. I love you and not him. He’s mean and cocky and awful and terrible and I hate him.”

“Did you… Feel anything when he kissed you?”

It felt good to be able to be blatantly honest: “From him? No.”

S was parked next to us, unnoticed until that moment. I didn’t know how much he had heard through our opened windows, but it was enough to make him duck his head and drive off into the evening.

A Story Too Coincidental To Be True

Blonde hair, blue eyes

Sometimes

I think it’s better to just give in

Everything would be easier

If I just walked away again.

But you have this interstellar pull

And a fuzzy head

Filled up with smoke

A walking contradiction

To my recent declarations.

What am I doing here?

They call me a good girl

Moral and complete

You’re a bad boy

Disguised so delicately.

Yet

Temptation is my middle name

Something too delectable to be tamed

And you’re irresistible

God, you’re so irresistible.

A Thousand Clever Lines, Unread On Clever Napkins

He stared at me with such intensity, it was impossible to look away. All I needed was a quick glance somewhere else, a second to gather up a clever line or two. No such chance came, so I was forced to speak the only line stuck in my head:

“You know me.” He laughed, not his usual bright giggle, but a dark snigger. A sound full of hurt and disbelief.

“I know you well enough to know you never loved me.” I needed to scream. I needed to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and shout at him until he heard me. I couldn’t. Frozen like an icicle hanging from an abandoned hotel, I watched as he started to stand.

“Wait,” I managed to speak through my stupor. Turning back to me, his hazel eyes struck my green ones like lighting. They were filled to the brim with pain.

“Why, why should I wait,” he spat at me. “So we can just cycle through this? I can’t. I’m sick of watching you love to hate me.”

All of my witty lines, every verbal war tactic I’d readied myself with escaped me now. This was final, and I was silent. He turned away again. I was finally out of manipulation, so I just spoke what came up. Pure word vomit.

“I love you.”

As he whirled around to face me, I could see that the pain in his eyes had evaporated to hate.

“Lies! Don’t you EVER stop lying?” Grabbing tuffs of his chocolate brown hair, he opened his mouth to scream. Instead, he looked at me as calmly as he could with all that hate in his eyes and moved his lips over to my ears.

“You and your lies stay away from me,” he whispered. With that, he left.

I flicked my eyes down to my shoes, and the lines that I had been searching for so desperately a moment ago filled my head. I knew better than to speak them.

Poison & Blood

“Don’t look at me like that.” A young, petite girl with chocolate brown hair stood outside her local 7/11 with a cigarette in her hand. Behind her, a slightly older boy had exited the building. He smirked at her.

“Like what, Char?” Charlotte flicked her cigarette to the ground and turned to face him.

“Don’t call me Char anymore, Jay.”

“What? Still broken? Still sore? Well if I can’t call you Char anymore, than you have to refer to me as Jonathan. Is that ok, CHARLOTTE?

Charlotte cringed and began to walk away. Half of her wanted to whirl around and offer forgiveness to the brown-haired-blue-eyed boy behind her, but the other half wouldn’t allow Jay the satisfaction. She smiled to herself, squinting behind her Aviators. It would be the perfect revenge, not allowing him forgiveness. Charlotte couldn’t remember a time when Jay had been denied something or someone. That boy always found a way around the rules. Not this time. This time I have control.

“You still haven’t answered me; like what, Charlotte,” Jay yelled.

“Like I’m a kicked puppy or something.” He snickered in a way that made Charlotte’s blood rise up to a boil.

“Oh, but aren’t you though? I would know, considering I was the one doing the kicking.” Charlotte heard his footsteps over to her and felt is smooth, muscular arm slip around her waist. Thank God I wore my leather jacket and not a crop top today. He couldn’t touch her skin beneath the oversized jacket.

“Kicking isn’t the only thing you’ve been doing.”

“Really? What else have I been doing?” His lips ran over Charlotte’s ear. She refused the shiver that threatened to phase her.

“Madison.” Jay let her go, and Charlotte resumed her quick-pace trot away. She couldn’t turn back, not now. Not after how far she’d sailed without her anchor.

“I may have been doing Madison, but you’re the only girl I’ve ever loved.”

“Liar!” Charlotte broke down, gave in to the anger that had been trapped inside. It was better than giving in to the lingering feelings she still carried.

“Don’t you think I’d know if you loved me? Don’t you think it’d show? All you ever did was push me and reject me and made me feel like I was worthless to you until one day you decided I’d gotten hot enough for you. You don’t care about me, you never did and you never will.” Jay snorted.

“You know what Char? You’re right. You are just another walking, talking pair of tits to me. So why don’t you just shut your worthless trap and get out of here.” Tears burned behind Charlotte’s eyes. She knew it was true, but it still hurt to acknowledge it. To acknowledge that the time she spent waiting for him to come around was a waste. He wouldn’t change, especially not for her.

“You know what, Jay? You think you’re so high and mighty, I can’t wait to see the day when you fall.”

“What makes you think I’ll fall?”

“Because some day you’re going to be the only one you’ve got. And you’re just not enough.”

Charlotte stomped off, agitated but proud. She hadn’t given in. She hadn’t lost herself to him again. Charlotte had finally rebelled against his desires.