You left me reeling
I never understood the resentment
Between past lovers
Until I felt it myself.
It doesn’t matter how many “great times” we had
Because memories can’t dissolve the present.
Memories don’t change the fact
That I stared at my hip bones in the mirror for an hour
Because I lost 7 pounds
When the loss made me too sick to eat
The fact the I screamed
And I screamed
I lay on my carpet screaming
When you pulled out of my driveway for the last time
And I will never forget
The split second where I lost the will to live.
I don’t care about the memories
Memories are in the past
Your betrayal is in the present.
The “good times” don’t matter
Because it’s 11:56 PM
3 and a half weeks after you left
And I’m up writing poems to clear my head
Because I can’t stand one more night falling asleep furious
I can’t stand waking up one more morning
Believing it was all a bad dream
And that you’re asleep on the other side of the bed.
The hardest part was my trust
I trusted you when you said no matter how dark it all felt
You wouldn’t leave me
At least you kept one promise;
“I won’t leave you when you need me most.”
And I’m ok
But after a year of having someone to hold
Having someone make me their first priority
Someone that kissed every scar
I am suddenly left unplugged.
There is a wire
Whether from my head or my heart I’m not sure
But it is dangling
And crackling with electricity.
I don’t need you to plug into
I really don’t
But Jesus Christ,
I need something.
My personal weight
My little ex,
Remember when I said I hate that word?
I was wrong
I hate the sound of your name more.
You never sang me a serenade,
You bloodied my ears with your screams.
I blamed the world for drowning me,
Grasping to you for support,
You kept me afloat, I thought
You weighed me down
Your insecurities disguised as mine
Talking down to me as if I were a child,
I just stood there and took it.
Let you force your opinions down my throat
You made me believe it was my fault:
“I haven’t done anything wrong,” you said
“Keep making me feel like this and I’ll leave,” you threatened.
How was I so blind to your constant shelling of my feelings?
You’re a nuclear warhead
Full of anxiety
Just waiting for your next victim
So you can explode on your scapegoat.
You’re so low
I can’t believe I let you drag me down
So I’m on my way back up,
But before I go I’ll leave you with this:
I’m better off without you
You’ll be so sorry someday
And most of all, YOU NEVER DESERVED ME.
I hate the word ex.
It sounds like nails on a chalkboard
Permanently scratching out what was once written,
Leaving jagged lines over perfect calligraphy.
It describes streaks of blood
Sharp cuts over the softest skin,
But that can’t be right.
There is no blood for me-
A small cordiform bruise
The rests just above my left breast.
It’s a bruise, if left untouched, that causes me no pain
It formed on a sunny day, on the 1st of July
It’s shape leaves warm memories.
To press it brings a dull thud
Pain that shoots to my heart.
I do not fear it,
It’s the same pain that comes
When you let you hair down after a long day,
A steady headache
But one that brings relief.
How can a single word represent that?
What once was
How it used to be
My past love
But it could not be ex.
There is hatred in ex.
And who could hate summer warmth
On the 1st of July?
My cold-hearted anger reaches it’s end
And all my brick walls are coming unglued
I can’t believe how far I’d fall for you
Is this that crazy feeling that we call love?
So I guess I’m screwed, I can’t figure out what’s right
I don’t wanna fight this
Don’t want to end this flight
If someone else can hear me, slap me back to life
But you look at me, I can’t see past your ocean eyes.
You’ve got me strung out, I take the bait, and I’m yours
I’m stuck again, my senses in your crushing grasp
Silver moon tempting me like gold,
Never looking back, and I’ll do what I’m told.
I could never let you ever again
Call me a slave, my mind’s at its end.
Silver flowers, silver heart, silver wonderwall
Metallic and transparent
Can you here me at all?
I love you more now than I did before
But I’m scared to death, tell me, what’s the point of this?
This back and forth has been so understated
Do want me now, do you care if I exist?
Tell me how I can go on
When I don’t know if you’re here or gone.
I cannot deny that I want you here,
My silver lover’s taken me away.
She walks down alleyways at night
It’s too enticing, the darkness.
She feels safe with her pocket knife,
Likes the pounding in her chest.
And it’s too hard not to stare at the sun
It’s better than looking down,
All she wants is to feel a rush
It’s better than feeling like
The train tracks.
She looks for steel in the brick city walls
She puts on her act,
It’s her show, she waits for a call
He doesn’t seem to care about her knife
She’s hid it far beneath him
He doesn’t seem to care about her life
And she pretends not to see
But she’s still drawn to the pain.
And what’s the point if she’s not understood?
He’s not coming around
Part of her wonders if she could
Just wait to be found
Just wait to be
In his arms.
She likes when they’re eyes almost touch,
And he sees her now
In that other worldly way,
Her guard’s down.
She runs to felons, she runs to hurt
But now he has her arm
She’s out of trouble, it’s almost worse
Feeling like there’s no control
He holds her tight
He reveals her light
Her mind running like a child
From the fear of love
But he holds her now
And she let’s go of her pocket knife.
Hand as soft as cashmere
Too afraid to touch
A smile as lovely as starlight
Too afraid to shine
It was the Summer
Rocks on the beach at midnight
It killed us
Fear striking like lighting
It drew us apart
Like the tide in pulls away
From the Earth
And now our eyes meet
But never lock
Our fingers entwined
Feeling nothing but Winter air
Love needs to breath
But Summer heat
Burned until no oxygen remained
It is Winter now
Breath, my dear
Love, my dear
We are still alive.
It has felt like years since you came here and stayed with me.
I understand a lot more of your past
Most of it is dark.
I am not scared.
You give me light.
You make me feel alive
I feel safe,
And more of a person who belongs.
So safe with you.
If you are in my future, I know I will be happy
I will be, too.
My Summer has been pretty lousy up here
So has mine
But I don’t dare let you know it.
I’m sorry for the hate I’ve caused you
Hatred is easier than sorrow
Everyday I smile because you are mine,
You relieve both, love.
And everyday I worry that someone else will realize the same thing I have
I worry that another girl will steal you away.
You aren’t perfect:
She will be perfect.
You are so much more.
I can’t lose you
I can’t lose you
With you everything is different
I don’t feel alone.
I feel safe.
I love you so much,
Your loving girlfriend,
I don’t know where my mind goes
I’m scared I’ve lost what I love the most
I’ve been alone for far too long
I’m unique in my fighting song.
I feel this pulling urge now and then,
tay awake trying to ignite him.
I want to feel harrowing love
I want burn you like a black dove.
Let the fallen angel take a sip.
It’s wrong now
They’re ending our song now,
The wavelengths of turmoil
And a twisting tongue.
You’ve left my world
So I stand on your turf
I’m tired of changes
And my renegade heart…
I thought you were mine.
Don’t look at me once you’ve uttered the word
I’ll make sure that statement’s unheard.
Touch my collarbone with your lips
So mine don’t feel your last kiss,
I’ve blushed for you too many times.
I can’t pretend that I would have known
I never meant to fall in love again,
Am I crying once again?
I know now
You’re not what I need now
But without you I don’t know how
To live on the beach.
Got to leave the ocean
Got to get to ocean blue
And leave with the sun.
And the girl of progression
Flicks her blonde mass
Adjusts her sweater
Winks at me
While she takes the hand
Of the Peacemaker
Who smiles at me
Knitted cap pulled over his devil ears
Nods to Queen A
Gives her the cue to banish me
With wind and shards of freezing glass
To the solitary silence
Of the cold blue walls in my room.
So I lie here
At half past midnight
Summer brings me salvation
I may have been alone
But alone wasn’t misery
Misery thrives in company.
I was never meant for winter
It beckons to me
Icy branches bow to me
Snow forms a path for me
Leading to cloudy skies
But it is only a glittering lie.
Dirt trails swirled with
Newly shorn meadows
And the hot sun and cool breezes
I belong in the mixture
Stars with energy and jubilation
Cold is just too complacent
We all know I can’t be complacent.
I need a forest
With a crafted plastic ring on my hand
And I need the beach.
But to get there
I cannot look to the past
It is 32 degrees Fahrenheit there now
I can, however
Put pressure on the glass
Cold makes things brittle
And if you push with me
The glass will break
And melt on golden warmed sand.