You Were The First To Leave & The Last To Know

You left me reeling

Like a cut-off sentence meant for deaf ears

Spinning
Alone
And there was hatred
In the purest form of the word
I needed to keep you bruised in my mind
Keep you like that until the scars faded
But I still found forgiveness
I found forgiveness
In the mattresses spread on the floor
I lay upon laughing at 3AM
With friends and their 20-year-old cousins
I found it in the late night drives
And highway routes
Speeding until alone could mean alive
I found forgiveness
In the kiss of someone else
In lips that weren’t yours
Kissed me in Dewitt basements
I found forgiveness
In the silk I’m wearing to prom
In the fact that I can go alone or with another
And that you’re not controlling my decisions anymore
And I found forgiveness
When I stopped looking for confidence in the same place I lost it
In you
Because as much as you tried you failed to keep my self-esteem alive
I thought it was me but it was always you
I found forgiveness
When I stopped looking for love in anyone but myself
When I could eat a full meal and look in the mirror and not hate the way my eyes crinkled when I smiled
When my flaws became my assets again
And that’s not to blame you
But I’m done blaming myself
I found forgiveness in the holes you left in me
Because I am still whole without you
Perhaps more
And the nice thing about forgiveness
Is it doesn’t need to be spoken for its effects to be heard
But I guess what I wanted with this poem–
I just want you to know.

Silence At The End Of The Serenade

I never understood the resentment

Between past lovers

Until I felt it myself.

It doesn’t matter how many “great times” we had

Because memories can’t dissolve the present.

Memories don’t change the fact

That I stared at my hip bones in the mirror for an hour

Because I lost 7 pounds

When the loss made me too sick to eat

The fact the I screamed

And I screamed

I lay on my carpet screaming

When you pulled out of my driveway for the last time

And I will never forget

The split second where I lost the will to live.

I don’t care about the memories

Memories are in the past

Your betrayal is in the present.

The “good times” don’t matter

Because it’s 11:56 PM

3 and a half weeks after you left

And I’m up writing poems to clear my head

Because I can’t stand one more night falling asleep furious

I can’t stand waking up one more morning

Believing it was all a bad dream

And that you’re asleep on the other side of the bed.

The hardest part was my trust

I trusted you when you said no matter how dark it all felt

You wouldn’t leave me

At least you kept one promise;

“I won’t leave you when you need me most.”

You didn’t

And I’m ok

But after a year of having someone to hold

Having someone make me their first priority

Someone that kissed every scar

I am suddenly left unplugged.

There is a wire

Whether from my head or my heart I’m not sure

But it is dangling

And crackling with electricity.

I don’t need you to plug into

I really don’t

But Jesus Christ,

I need something.

The Best of Us Can Find Happiness in Misery

My personal weight

My little ex,

Remember when I said I hate that word?

I was wrong

I hate the sound of your name more.

You never sang me a serenade,

You bloodied my ears with your screams.

I blamed the world for drowning me,

Grasping to you for support,

You kept me afloat, I thought

You didn’t.

You weighed me down

Drowned me

Your insecurities disguised as mine

Talking down to me as if I were a child,

I just stood there and took it.

Let you force your opinions down my throat

You made me believe it was my fault:

“I haven’t done anything wrong,” you said

“Keep making me feel like this and I’ll leave,” you threatened.

How was I so blind to your constant shelling of my feelings?

You’re a nuclear warhead

Full of anxiety

Just waiting for your next victim

So you can explode on your scapegoat.

You’re so low

I can’t believe I let you drag me down

So I’m on my way back up,

But before I go I’ll leave you with this:

I’m better off without you

You’ll be so sorry someday

And most of all, YOU NEVER DESERVED ME.

Ex

I hate the word ex.

It sounds like nails on a chalkboard

Permanently scratching out what was once written,

Leaving jagged lines over perfect calligraphy.

It describes streaks of blood

Sharp cuts over the softest skin,

But that can’t be right.

There is no blood for me-

A small cordiform bruise

The rests just above my left breast.

It’s a bruise, if left untouched, that causes me no pain

It formed on a sunny day, on the 1st of July

It’s shape leaves warm memories.

To press it brings a dull thud

Pain that shoots to my heart.

I do not fear it,

It’s the same pain that comes

When you let you hair down after a long day,

A steady headache

But one that brings relief.

How can a single word represent that?

What once was

How it used to be

My past love

But it could not be ex.

There is hatred in ex.

And who could hate summer warmth

On the 1st of July?

Silver

My cold-hearted anger reaches it’s end
And all my brick walls are coming unglued
I can’t believe how far I’d fall for you
Is this that crazy feeling that we call love?

So I guess I’m screwed, I can’t figure out what’s right
I don’t wanna fight this
Don’t want to end this flight

If someone else can hear me, slap me back to life
But you look at me, I can’t see past your ocean eyes.
You’ve got me strung out, I take the bait, and I’m yours
I’m stuck again, my senses in your crushing grasp

Silver moon tempting me like gold,
Never looking back, and I’ll do what I’m told.
I could never let you ever again
Call me a slave, my mind’s at its end.

Silver flowers, silver heart, silver wonderwall
Metallic and transparent
Can you here me at all?

I love you more now than I did before
But I’m scared to death, tell me, what’s the point of this?
This back and forth has been so understated
Do want me now, do you care if I exist?

Tell me how I can go on
When I don’t know if you’re here or gone.
I cannot deny that I want you here,
My silver lover’s taken me away.

Pocket Knife

She walks down alleyways at night

It’s too enticing, the darkness.

She feels safe with her pocket knife,

Likes the pounding in her chest.

And it’s too hard not to stare at the sun

It’s better than looking down,

All she wants is to feel a rush

It’s better than feeling like

The train tracks.

She looks for steel in the brick city walls

She puts on her act,

It’s her show, she waits for a call

Her lifeline.

He doesn’t seem to care about her knife

She’s hid it far beneath him

He doesn’t seem to care about her life

And she pretends not to see

But she’s still drawn to the pain.

And what’s the point if she’s not understood?

He’s not coming around

Part of her wonders if she could

Just wait to be found

Just wait to be

In his arms.

She likes when they’re eyes almost touch,

And he sees her now

In that other worldly way,

Her guard’s down.

She runs to felons, she runs to hurt

But now he has her arm

She’s out of trouble, it’s almost worse

Feeling like there’s no control

He holds her tight

He reveals her light

Her mind running like a child

From the fear of love

But he holds her now

And she let’s go of her pocket knife.

It Was The Summer

Hand as soft as cashmere
Too afraid to touch

A smile as lovely as starlight
Too afraid to shine

It was the Summer
Moonlighting
Rocks on the beach at midnight

It killed us
Fear striking like lighting

Every sip
Every word
Every glance

It drew us apart
Like the tide in pulls away
From the Earth

And now our eyes meet
But never lock
Our fingers entwined
Feeling nothing but Winter air

Love needs to breath
But Summer heat
Burned until no oxygen remained

It is Winter now
Breath, my dear
Love, my dear

We are still alive.

Letters From Petoskey

Dear Pericaliya,

Dear love,

It has felt like years since you came here and stayed with me.

Centuries.

I understand a lot more of your past

Most of it is dark.

I am not scared.

You give me light.

You make me feel alive

I feel safe,

And more of a person who belongs.

So safe with you.

If you are in my future, I know I will be happy

I will be, too.

My Summer has been pretty lousy up here

So has mine

Without you.

But I don’t dare let you know it.

I’m sorry for the hate I’ve caused you

Hatred is easier than sorrow

Everyday I smile because you are mine,

You relieve both, love.

 And everyday I worry that someone else will realize the same thing I have

I worry that another girl will steal you away.

You aren’t perfect:

She will be perfect.

You are so much more.

I can’t lose you

I can’t lose you

With you everything is different

I don’t feel alone.

I feel safe.

I love you so much,

Your loving girlfriend,

C. A.

Pericaliya

The Scarlet Song



I don’t know where my mind goes

I’m scared I’ve lost what I love the most 

I’ve been alone for far too long

I’m unique in my fighting song.

I feel this pulling urge now and then,

S

tay awake trying to ignite him.

I want to feel harrowing love

I want burn you like a black dove.

Let the fallen angel take a sip.

It’s wrong now

They’re ending our song now,

The wavelengths of turmoil

And a twisting tongue.

You’ve left my world

So I stand on your turf

I’m tired of changes

And my renegade heart…

I thought you were mine.

Don’t look at me once you’ve uttered the word

I’ll make sure that statement’s unheard.

Touch my collarbone with your lips

So mine don’t feel your last kiss,

I’ve blushed for you too many times.

I can’t pretend that I would have known

I never meant to fall in love again,

Am I crying once again?

I know now

You’re not what I need now

But without you I don’t know how

To live on the beach.

Got to leave the ocean

Got to get to ocean blue

And leave with the sun.

Thoughts At Half Past Midnight (My Sweet Summer)

And the girl of progression

Flicks her blonde mass

Adjusts her sweater

Winks at me

While she takes the hand

Of the Peacemaker

Who smiles at me

Knitted cap pulled over his devil ears

Nods to Queen A

Gives her the cue to banish me

With wind and shards of freezing glass

To the solitary silence

Of the cold blue walls in my room.

So I lie here

At half past midnight

Summer brings me salvation

I may have been alone

But alone wasn’t misery

Misery thrives in company.

I was never meant for winter

It beckons to me

Icy branches bow to me

Snow forms a path for me

Leading to cloudy skies

But it is only a glittering lie.

Dirt trails swirled with

Newly shorn meadows

And the hot sun and cool breezes

I belong in the mixture

Stars with energy and jubilation

Cold is just too complacent

We all know I can’t be complacent.

I need a forest

With a crafted plastic ring on my hand

And I need the beach.

But to get there

I cannot look to the past

It is 32 degrees Fahrenheit there now

I can, however

Put pressure on the glass

Cold makes things brittle

And if you push with me

The glass will break

And melt on golden warmed sand.