Future

I’ve been waiting for the future

Each day makes it further

And I’m living in a dream

But my head grows a tumor

And my skin turns pewter

It’s dark as oil

Sticky negativity begins to coil

Tight against my skin

Seeping to my spirit as it boils

I decompose into frozen soil

This is January at its finest

Turning warmest summer souls the bitterest

Sucking color into cold gray

July has always been the kindest

I’ve been waiting for future liveliness

I’ve been waiting for the future

Watching it grow sooner

Life for each day passing

Each day the sun becomes lunar

I’ve been waiting for the future.

Dichotomy

We judge each other

For the decisions we make

But we all end up bad anyways.

We look at each other

With disdain

But others look at us

All the same.

And I guess there’s really no definition

Anymore

Of what’s alright and what’s too far-

Why does is even matter

When a time comes

When millions of miles

Seperate our brains

And the words that spit fire

Cause no more pain?

I want to lie

Upon a mountain side

Look up at the night sky

And forget what morning looks like.

I want to lie

In bed tonight

Forget their hate

And what arrogant faces look like.

Advice For the Heartbroken

Burn your pictures now

While there’s still rage in your heart

Or they’ll end up on a shelf in a box

In your closet you can’t look in anymore.

Because the hate fades

And it won’t insulate you from the ash of the flames

Anymore.

The joy fades too

Once found in old memories

You have to let go to live free.

But the best advice is that

There is no advice,

No google pages or “experienced” friend

I am your experienced friend

You’re going through where I’ve already been

And I have next to nothing for you

The only thing I have to say

Is to keep living.

There’s no secret

No special healing potion.

Stay alive

Death means demons win

Don’t let them defeat you

If you can stay alive,

You will smile again.

Stay

Is it just the weather

Or is it something more?

Will I get better

Once it gets warm?

_

Am I not meant to be

Alive in love?

Am I not meant to be

In love while I’m alive?

_

And my body shivers

At the thought of letting you go,

But for some reason I do so much better

In life when I’m alone.

_

My brain tells me to stay with you

My heart just doesn’t know

I guess I’ll stick around for now

If for nothing more than a show.

_

I have to believe to stay sane

I want to have trust,

But when you say her name

My head feels rushed.

_

My confidence says you won’t leave

But my insecurities are angry and mean

How can I stay confident when I feel deceived?

Those girls are so plain but they turn me green.

_

So I shut my eyes blindly

To the words that feel wrong

I’ll take every sentence kindly

And let the nights get long.

Going On Fifteen

It’s senior year

But I’m still stuck

Living as a sophomore

I’ve been fifteen

For three whole years

And now it’s made me mean

But this time I might break free

If you’ll stay with me

And I can’t be scared

Or I’ll stay in a nightmare

I miss my dreams:

I could say love

Instead of affection,

I could love

Without fear of rejection.

I’d kill for that

Memories

Old laughs

The north beaches

I’d kill them all

If it meant moving forward

Eighteen years old

In rain-tinged Okemos

And so alive

I think you can make me alive.

Reminisce

I reminisce…

It’s because I’m scared,

To love again

Feels so unfair

I wish I were lost

I wish I cared.

/

I can’t love you

I can’t be alone

Why can’t I

Just smile for once?

I should revel

In happiness I found;

I’ve trapped myself

In walls and bounds.

/

I long to be

Ignorant once more

I crave that feeling,

To be so sure

My heart longs

For the golden time

When I had no idea

Boys could lie.

/

I can’t trust you

At least, not now

Maybe in the future

Maybe somehow

/

Hearts can heal,

But not if broken twice

So I’m cautious

Treading light.

I yearn to jump

To run free

/

But I know this time,

It would be the death of me.

Rise

I feel sick

Sick at the thought of being ok

Nauseous at my friends wanting me

Eight months of isolation

Screeching to a halt

And now I’m moving too fast

Speed used to rule me

Used to be the way I lived

But now I crave stillness

I was a whirlwind

Of joy and pain and change

Of life and breath

But since then

I was forced to stop

And I fear things are picking up again

I fear a return to happiness

A reinstatement to my palace

A rise from the depths to my throne

My head spins

At the thought of normality

To rule my life again

But I must push through the sickness

Eat through the nausea

Climb to the mountaintops

I was never meant for the bottom

Never meant to stop

If I stay-

Stillness will be the death of me.

The Girl Before

And every time he wants more

I wonder about the girl before

Did she scream as loud as I did?

Did she collapse and cry and die inside?

Tears streaming from her eyes

Until her heart was dry

Was bitterness her new mantra?

An unwavering stoniness her anthem?

I do not think I could ever look her in the eye

I know exactly what she’d see in mine

She’d see the way he used to hold her hand

The life that they had planned

She’d see his arms tucked around her

With him, how she’d never flounder

The safety and the joy

The sarcastic and the coy

And then she’d see his arm on my shoulders

And the truth would hit her like a boulder

They were gone

The love they shared gone

Everything they had gone

I remember how that felt.

Original

The constant excitement from chemicals battering against my skin

A crowd dressed in red and black is where I fit in

Surround by a thousand types of crooked sin

Where I can’t quite see what’s within-

And for the moment I can accept my shards,

My broken, shattered heart

And for a moment I can let go of my captive counterpart

I’m free in that I command the beat to begin.

It doesn’t matter there’s a year before I can leave town

To anyone looking for me now I’m not around

My soul’s been lost in echoing sound

It’s in this lost-soul state that my mind is found

And his horrid face gone

In the memory of this song

My captive counterpart screeches its so long

I’m going to be original now.

I’m learning the difference between poetry and lyrics

Some things are meant for silence, some for other to hear it

A human voice turns dead words hysteric

Music makes my poems less acidic

In this wonderful neutralization

Chords give realizations

This is what I’m meant for

I’m original now.

Firecracker

I’m not fixed yet

But at least I’m at war again

Maybe the first time

I lost the battle in my mind

But I’m fighting again

Charging forward, alone this time

Solo when my feet hit the ground

Staring at my own hungry eyes

Sometimes you need a mirror, not a window

Now I’m a firecracker

Burning revenge on my left shoulder

Desire flaming on the right

This time I’m ready

Ready to take what I want

Make it mine even if it’s already claimed

Timidness has seeped from my bones

Dripped from blood and sweat

Product of the strength

The dauntlessness I have gained

I am the alpha

I am in charge

I will not be taken down

I am a firecracker.